


Z's List

by steelcrash



Category: Destiny (Video Games)
Genre: Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-17
Updated: 2020-02-17
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:06:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22769008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/steelcrash/pseuds/steelcrash
Summary: Zavala's List. Or the untold number of things Guardians are no longer allowed to do at the Tower, in the City, on Earth, or the Sol System. Ever. (Cayde, I'm looking at you.)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 57





	Z's List

Z’s List  
Disclaimer: I don’t own “Destiny.” It belongs to Bungie and I’m just taking it for a short spin. 

The message went out early on a weekday, sent by the Vanguard Commander Zavala himself. Not unusual, and at least it wasn’t a random Tuesday in September, as those seemed particularly disastrous for some reason.  
The first to receive the message were the other members of the Vanguard, the faction leaders, tower staff, and last, across the Sol System to Guardians via Ghost.  
What happened next, of course, was not unexpected. The discourse on Van.net became heated. Blame started getting passed around and the list was met with derision. Some amusement on the part of a few Warlocks and many Hunters who took it as a challenge. Which Cayde-6 had to swear he *did not* put his Hunters up to. (Which he admitted to Ikora Rey while he hid in her quarters one evening a few days after the list came into existence. He wasn’t that stupid.)  
Although the Hunter and Sundance went through the ever-growing list one night while hiding in his ship. Some of the stuff he had done, or knew someone who did. Or he’d heard about someone in the field who had. Or he’d been warned once upon at time not to, with no explanation.  
But none of it was really anything compared to the Ghost selfies posted on Van.net.  
Further reaction about the list from Tower and Vanguard staff, like Amanda Holliday and Sloane thinking it was a joke.  
Ikora took a wait and see attitude.  
Cayde just ignored it until Hunters started pointing fingers at him, like he was the one responsible for the list being a thing.  
88888  
The memo, and list, as written by Vanguard and Titan Commander, Zavala:  
It has come to my attention various unprofessional, inappropriate and unsanctioned behavior has become rampant among the Guardian population of the Last Safe City on Earth.  
Such behavior will not be tolerated, and as such, I’ve taken the liberty of compiling a list of what will not be tolerated or allowed.  
I also reserve the right the amend the list at any time.  
—Comander Zavala  
1\. Not allowed to bet on Crucible matches.  
2\. Not allowed to shoot the Cryptarch, even if that Cryptarch is Rahool.  
3\. Not allowed to flirt with members of the Vanguard, although one does at their own risk.  
4\. Dregs, shanks, war beasts and thralls are not allowed in the Tower.  
5\. Not allowed to take part in activities not sanctioned by the Vanguard.  
6\. Not allowed to teach Saladin’s wolves or any other feral or alien canine to “sic” the Titan Vanguard. Or any other member of the Vanguard, including Cayde-6.  
7\. Not allowed to call Ikora Rey “mom.”  
8\. Commander Zavala is not anyone’s “angry blue space dad.”  
9\. The Traveler is not filled with candy or any other sweet confection.  
10\. Not allowed to watch the Crucible when supposed to be working.  
11\. Not allowed to use Vanguard Commander’s head for target practice.  
12\. Not allowed to taunt faction leaders or call them names. (I’m looking at you, Hideo.)  
13\. Not allowed to place “caution wet” signs around Commander Zavala. Or Cayde for that matter.  
14\. not allowed to throw anyone off the Tower. And jumping is also highly discouraged.  
15\. The Drifter is not your “cool cray space uncle.”  
16\. Must not create new Consensus/Vanguard forms and then pass them out to be filled out.  
17\. not allowed to make up fake work orders for the Tower shipwright. Amanda Holliday will not be amused.  
18\. Not allowed to try and time travel using the Vex network.  
19\. Not allowed to speculate on the nature of the relationship between the Awoken Queen Mara Son and her brother.  
20\. Please see attached memo regarding Vex radiolarian fluid with warnings against its use for ANYTHING.  
21\. Flares are not allowed in the Tower. Cayde-6 is not allowed to touch flares. EVER.  
22\. Not allowed to use Tower antennae for pole dancing.  
23\. Not allowed to turn loose Taken ogres in New Monarchy headquarters.  
24\. Sparrow jousting is not a Vanguard-sanctioned activity. Especially not in the Tower.  
25\. Not allowed to base Guardian class choice based upon alleged prowess in bed.  
26\. Not allowed to alter photos of Commander Zavala.  
27\. Not allowed to shoot Executor Hide of New Monarchy, or throw him off the Tower or otherwise harm him, no matter how much he may deserve it.  
28\. Not allowed to tell kinder guardians their Ghosts need software updates.  
29\. Popcorn is not allowed at Consensus meetings no matter how entertaining the yelling gets.  
30\. Commander Zavala isn’t allowed to give codenames to Strike operations.  
31\. Awoken are not “space elves.”  
32\. Not allowed to shave Lord Saladin’s wolves.  
33\. No, baldness IS NOT required to be a member of the Vanguard.  
34\. Don’t challenge Titans to an arm-wrestling match.  
35\. Telling a Titan to develop a sense of humor is a bad idea. Do so at your own risk.  
36\. Commander Zavala can and will stab anyone who annoys him with a crochet hook.  
37\. Hunters do not gain additional powers from their cloaks.  
38\. Proper protocol for a fire is to activate the fire suppression system and call for help. Not to have your Ghost (or anyone’s Ghost) trans mat in marshmallows.  
39\. Not allowed to build a shrine to Cayde’s horn.  
40\. Do not challenge Ikora Rey or Cayde-6 to a duel or Crucible match. You will lose.  
41\. Lap dances are not a legitimate form of currency in the Tower or anywhere in the City.  
42\. Not allowed to hold shank rodeos in the Tower.  
43\. Not allowed to post *that kind* of fiction on Van.net or photos of a certain nature on Van.net. Even if Shaxx approves. Especially if Shaxx approves.  
44\. Do not “ship” members of the Vanguard, factions or Tower staff. Please keep your deviances to yourselves.  
45\. Not allowed to write reports in blood.  
46\. It is a terrible idea to tell Commander Zavala he takes himself too seriously.  
47\. Not allowed to duel in the Tower.  
48\. Not allowed to make up bounties and hand them out to Kinderguardians.  
50\. Not allowed to sell incriminating pictures of the Vanguard to to Guardians.  
51\. Not allowed to make incriminating pictures of the Vanguard.  
52\. Or to post those pictures on Van.net.  
53\. Shaxx is not your “daddy.”  
54\. Not to allowed to label anything on Amanda Holliday’s work bench “drink me.”  
55\. Not allowed to sell Kinderguardians one-way tickets to the Vault of Glass, Hellmouth, Black Garden, Dreadnaught or Leviathan.  
56\. Only members of the Vanguard/Consenus are allowed to negotiate treaties with enemy factions.  
57\. Emperor Calus is no one’s sugar daddy.  
58\. Commander Zavala’s problem is not that “he needs to get laid.”  
59\. Not allowed to play paintball in the Tower.  
60\. Not allowed to ask Commander Zavala if the size of his pauldron is “compensating” for something.  
61\. Not allowed to ask the same about Cayde-6’s horn.  
62\. Cayde-6 is not a “beautiful magic robot space unicorn.”  
63\. Not allowed to die and have your Ghost refuse to resurrect you to get out of a disciplinary meeting with Commander Zavala.  
64\. Cayde-6 did not write “Hunter of the Heart,” so quit asking. (As far as we know.)  
65\. Not allowed to play classical music over the Tower PA.  
66\. Not allowed to tell Kinderguardians they can trade Ghosts.  
67\. Not allowed to trade Ghosts for sexual favors, whiskey, tequila or Golden Age anything.  
68\. The Vanguard does not need a “regime change.”  
69\. Cayde-6’s maps are not a scam. Quit claiming they are.  
70\. Soccer goal posts are not to be used for pole dancing.  
71\. Inflatable sheep are not to be left on the table in the Vanguard overwatch.  
72\. Never, ever attempt to correct a Warlock about anything.  
73\. Not allowed to use Vex simulations to act out one’s fantasies. Even if Osiris approves. Again, keep your deviances to yourselves.  
74\. Not allowed to perform lap dances while on Vanguard Duty. (This means you, Cayde.)  
75\. Yes, we know about Drifter, so quit asking.

**Author's Note:**

> This was, in part, inspired by "Skippy's List."


End file.
